Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
