Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
