true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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