Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
