When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
