I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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