brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
