my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
