at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
