I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
