I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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