Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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