Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
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Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
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So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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