Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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