I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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