the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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