My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
