um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
