my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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