Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Randomize
