I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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