What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
