I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
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