so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
