It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
