she was so not down for the gang bang
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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