Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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