I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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