He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
