She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
