dude i'm inner monologue high
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
