There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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