YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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