screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
