There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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