dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
