i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
