Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Randomize
