hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
