On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
