I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
