this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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