Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
