She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
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I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
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Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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