also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
