Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
