Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
