I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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