My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
