My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
