Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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