Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
