I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
