Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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