Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
