Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
These tits shall not be calmed
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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