My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Is Oprah even human
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
