I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
