When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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